About a month ago I wrote about a new paradigm for relationships (http://www.romancerecovery.com/blog/both-and), and lately I’ve been thinking about this Third Stage of relationships. What does it really mean, and how would you recognize it? How is it expressed inside a relationship while life is also swirling around you? Is the third stage some goal to be achieved, or is it always a work in progress?
Being in a third stage relationship is an organic process. It’s even a misnomer to call it a third stage relationship in most cases. There are couples who are able to consistently maintain the third stage, but they are few and far between. More often, couples are able to achieve a third stage state, but they’re unable to sustain it. They have moments where they expand into the third stage consciousness, but their base line is second stage. And for the record, I’d like to say that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
We have a tendency to think that one stage is better than another, and that’s not true. Instead of judging ourselves as if the third stage is the ultimate destination, it would be more helpful to judge ourselves on the quality of the journey. That is, of course, assuming we want to judge ourselves at all. Being human, this is probably a fair assumption. The question is not, “Am I there yet?” Rather, the question is, “Am I growing and evolving in myself and in the relationship?”
How would one recognize a third stage state of being? One way is to ask, “Why did I just do that?” Let’s say you gave your partner a shoulder massage. Was it because you know he expected it? (first stage) Do you want to ask him to do something he won’t like and are hoping to soften him up? (second stage) Perhaps it’s because he’s in a bad mood and when daddy’s unhappy, everyone’s unhappy. (first stage) Or maybe it just seemed like a good way to express your love for him in that moment.
Any time we express our love in a spontaneous way for the sake of love, we are in a third stage state. When I first began contemplating this, I realized how firmly entrenched in the second stage I was. We prided ourselves on the egalitarian nature of our relationship. If he cooked, I did the dishes. I cleaned up inside, he took care of the outside of the house. Practically speaking, using the second stage to manage household chores can be a good idea.
The intention of the third stage of a relationship is to remember who we really are. It is to help us access the limitless, divine spark of the Creator within each of us. That can happen while washing the dishes, or mowing the lawn. But it is in those moments of vulnerability, those moments of exposing our heart to another; those intimate moments of love, where it is most possible. In those moments, it seems profane to barter, or even to rush to some destination, no matter how good it might feel. In those moments, we can use the breath to enter into our own sacredness. We follow our breath, we use our eyes—the windows of the soul—to connect deeply with our partner, and we open our hearts wide. We merge, not just with the body of our beloved, but with the entire ocean of consciousness. We lose ourselves, but not really. The French call orgasm “le petit mort”, the little death. In those moments, we die to the illusion that we are individuals, mere mortals, and we re-member our true selves.

It’s time to change the paradigm of romantic relationships. We are moving toward what has been called the “Third Stage” in relationships, and I say it’s about time, and an idea long overdue.
The first stage in relationships is that of dependence, and often co-dependence. In these relationships, one partner (typically the man, or the more masculine partner) is clearly superior and directs the relationship. This type of relationship relies on dominance and submission, which can often lead to abuse. It’s an immature type of relationship and is quite unbalanced. It worked well in pre-feminist America, and continues to work for women (and occasionally men) who want to be taken care of their whole life and don’t mind putting up with inconveniences to feel the sense of safety they experience.
The second stage is that of independence. The women’s rights movement ushered in the second stage in relationships, which balanced the scales in the relationship. The second stage is all about give and take, “you make dinner and I’ll do the dishes”, everyone getting what’s fair. The problem with this stage is that someone is always keeping score, and life isn’t always fair. The second stage of a relationship takes a merchant’s view of love. Love is seen as a transaction, with something gained and something lost in each exchange. This is, imho, a huge improvement from the first stage, but it left me feeling pretty empty. In this transaction based relationship, we always seem to be trying to change our partner, making suggestions for improvement that of course would help them be happier, in our opinion, but trying to change another is a fool’s game.
The third stage of romantic relationships is one of interdependence. It’s been called “spiritual partnership” and “conscious union”, among other names. The third stage is about what I call “both, and”. In this stage, we return to love for love’s sake. We stop keeping score, and we understand that “equal” does not mean “the same as”. We begin to understand that in order to be authentically engaged in a romantic relationship, we first must be authentically ourselves. We have to be willing to look deeply into the mirror and embrace ALL of who we are. This third stage of a romantic relationship is a coming out of sorts. We have to stop hiding who we really are and embrace the paradox: In my case, a couple of years ago I was confronted with “I am a strong, independent woman who is terrified that the love of my life will abandon me (so I’ll leave him first).” I had to embrace that I was both a strong independent woman and someone terrified that love would abandon me. The second created the first. To deny the second would be to negate the first. They existed together both enriching my life and making me feel like a neurotic wreck, until I could come to the place in the middle, honoring both and still find ways to be happy.
In the third stage, love just IS. We do something for our beloved for the sake of love, even when we might not feel like it. We do things to honor love, and to express love. And we are safe enough in our own self-love that even if what we do falls on deaf ears or a closed heart, it doesn’t matter; we are fulfilled with love. If our loving acts are not acknowledged or reciprocated, we don’t consider them wasted.
In the third stage, we learn how to fall in love with our own selves. If we seek change, it’s in ourselves, and it's to further improve the quality of our lives. We challenge ourselves to grow not because we think we are "less than" but because we want to be more authentically who we really our. We see the innocence of our beloved and work to improve our own selves. And magically, when we change ourselves, those around us either change or move away.

 

     "The Space Between/The tears we cry/Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more/The Space Between/The wicked lies we tell/And hope to keep safe from the pain"  the Dave Matthews Band
     I finished reading Mating In Captivity:  Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, by Esther Perel, this past week while on vacation.  It was very good, offering a number of different insights into the psychology of relationships.
     The connecting point between her work and mine can be summed up as "the space between".  She takes a therapist's approach, while I take a coach's and a mystic's approach.  But we come together in "the space between". 
     She returns repeatedly to the point that while committed long term relationships need union, comfort and familiarity, erotic relationships thrive on differentiation and mystery.   From a Tantric perspective, the erotic in a relationship thrives on the polarity between the masculine and feminine essence we each carry within us.
     Sexual attraction requires polarity; it's like two magnets where the opposite poles attract. And yet, when most couples build a long term relationship, it's built on shared goals, dreams, and values.  Committed, long term relationships are built on similarities rather than differences, and as the relationship is built, the goal is to bring you together, to blur the lines of demarcation between "me" and "you" and create "we".  For a time, in the beginning, the committed relationship and the sexual attraction run on parallel tracks, so that one might not realize that they are separate entities.
     Then eventually, what strengthens the relationship deadens the fires of passion.  You begin to think of yourselves as a unit, rather than as separate individuals.  For years, when talking about something I had done, I used "we" instead of "I".  I lost myself somewhere in the merging, as most people do.  It's a tricky thing, to create a union and maintain individuality at the same time.  Sexual attraction requires and object and a subject.  If  there's no "I", there's no one to be attracted to, and no one to do the attracting.  It's a paradox, and it takes a heroine to successfully embrace the paradox. 
     I won't kid you, it takes a lot of work to maintain passion in a long term relationship.  It's so easy to slip into the baggy sweats, both literally and figuratively.  It's so easy to slip into routines, not just with sex but with life in general; it's Friday night, time for pizza and an orgasm. 
     What if you used your sexual encounters as play time?  Think of it as a time out from reality.  What do you fantasize about?  Our fantasies tell us a lot about our desires and the taboos that run around like sex police in our heads.  It can be really healthy (and lots of fun!) to act out these fantasies.  Lighten up a little, don't take yourself so seriously.  Maybe next time, your sexual encounter can be about the journey, not the destination.  How much FUN could you have... in the "space between" the sheets? 

It's time for the Heroine to get her time in the spotlight.  This world could greatly use more of us--men and women alike (although I use the feminine pronoun)-- to embrace the qualities of the heroine in these uncertain times.

1. She lives authentically. She knows who she is and why she’s here. And if she’s not yet clear on why she’s here, she’s doing the work to figure it out. She asks herself regularly: how can I serve?
2. She accepts what IS. Life sometimes throws a curve ball. But just as she doesn’t yell at the rain for falling or the wind for blowing, she doesn’t waste time lamenting what has happened in the past. Instead, she uses it as the platform from which she moves forward, and she looks for the good and the fun in every situation. Neale Donald Walsch said, “fun is not defined as the absence of challenging circumstances, but as the absence of anger about them.” She asks herself: how can I move forward from this place? What is the next step?
3. She faces her fears by acknowledging them and working through them. She doesn’t stick her head in the sand, nor does she blow her fears out of proportion. She asks: what’s the worst that can happen? How likely is it? What would happen to me if the worst occurred? What could I do to move forward? What we resist persists, and she uses no energy on resisting. By refusing to spend energy in anger and resistance, she creates a huge reserve from which to move forward.
4. She is resourceful. She looks at problems and opportunities from every angle, to see them more clearly. She doesn’t make up stories and get stuck in drama, but clearly assesses each situation. Then she makes her plan, using all of the resources at her disposal.
5. She is flexible. Just because something’s always been done a certain way doesn’t mean it can’t be done differently. And, if something doesn’t work, she figures out how to make it work, or changes her plans.
6. She never loses hope. She has a deep reservoir of faith and trust, built one brick at a time at the beginning, and then ultimately emerging fully formed from both past experiences and an inner knowing. As such, she is deeply connected to God (by any name) and sets a place at her table for Grace to enter. She expects Grace and receives Her as an honored guest.
7. She understands that life is about the journey, not the destination. As such, she makes every moment sacred. No matter how mundane the task, she treats it with reverence. Nothing is beneath her, and nothing is too good for her. Everything is sacred in her eyes, and in expressing her reverence, she finds that life treats her with reverence.
I invite you to ponder these questions: Can you see yourself in
these characteristics? Where do you really identify yourself, and
which characteristics could you embrace more fully? How might your
life unfold more effortlessly if you were to embrace these
characteristics?

I hope you can see the Heroine in your own heart. She's
there, I promise.

 

I was driving to my office space the other day for the last time, and I had the opportunity to look at the world with new eyes.  I had been out earlier in the day, and ended up taking the route I used to take before I moved back in with my beloved at the end of May.

     Driving down the road that I used to take regularly, I began noticing things I had never seen before.  I saw houses I'd never noticed, and features on houses I'd never noticed when I was routinely taking this road.  None of these things were new, just new to me.  This day, I was taking the road less traveled, and my eyes were opened in a new way.  And I was feeling reflective, as I prepared to close one chapter of my life and begin another.

     It made me wonder what else do we miss when we're operating on auto-pilot? 

     Perhaps this experience was heightened for me because I'm in the process of a massive re-branding effort.  I'm looking at myself and my business with new eyes.  I'm not changing what I do, but how I talk about what I do.  I'm also changing how I work, and have decided to work primarily with groups over the phone and in workshops and retreats.  It rendered the need for my office space obsolete.

     In working with my marketing coach, I realized that in the past 18 months I went through a really common experience and emerged on the other side in a really uncommon way.  In July 2007, my partner of 20 years and I separated and were apart for nearly a year.  I was turning 40 that August, and as I reassessed my relationship I found it sorely lacking.  So many of my friends and clients have experienced this; some leave to start fresh, but many stay in a stale relationship for a variety of reasons.  That wasn't an option for me; as a spiritual life coach I help my clients live their most magnificent lives.  I would have considered myself a fraud to settle for anything less than extraordinary in my own life.  So I began this part of my journey.  I took myself off auto-pilot and started really looking at my life.  What I found was surprising.  While I was in the relationship I was so busy pointing an accusatory finger at what my partner was doing wrong, that I didn't notice how I was disrespecting and not loving myself.

     Our time apart was a huge blessing; it gave us each the opportunity to focus on the work we needed to do in order to love ourselves more deeply.  It gave us each the power to see our whole selves-the good, the bad and the ugly, and to learn to love it all.  It allowed us to take responsibility for ourselves in a really big way.  And in the end, because we were both committed to doing the work, we were able to reunite.  It doesn't really matter that we reunited; what matters is that we did the work and returned to love.  The icing on the cake is that we were able to reunite.  And I've decided that it's time to share what I learned during that experience with others.

 

The solstice is nearly upon us, and we are in the darkest days of the year here in the northern hemisphere.  It's the perfect time to turn inward and reflect on what has happened over the past year, and to begin to prepare for setting intentions for the new year ahead.

     Jack Canfield, in his book The Success Principles, offers a visioning exercise which covers seven areas of a person's life.  I'd like to use those seven areas to offer some reflections.

• 1. Financial: We all know the financial markets have been on a wild ride for the past few months. Are you buying into the fear? At the beginning of the year I made a commitment NOT to participate in a recession. The result was that my business grew by over 50% from last year! What are you telling yourself about your financial situation? Would you like to tell yourself a different story?
• 2. Job/Career: Were you laid off from a job this year? Instead of lamenting your misfortune, use it as an opportunity to discover who you really want to be when you grow up. In these times, people are being rewarded for doing what they love with integrity. I'm not just talking about the economic times; I'm talking about the energetic cycle we are entering. There is very little tolerance for people who are not in alignment with who they really are and what they came to express in the world. Hone your vision of why you're here and what you have to offer the world.
• 3. Free time: What do you do for fun? If you're saying, "what free time?" it's time to start creating time for yourself. Pick up that hobby you've been thinking about for years. The Universe doesn't differentiate between giving free time, a healthy relationship, or money. Deserving is deserving, and if you're telling yourself (and thus the Universe) you don't deserve the little things like free time, don't expect the bigger ones!
• 4. Your body/physical health: How are you treating your physical body? It's the vehicle of your very existence; do you treat it at least as well as you treat your car? Did you make any resolutions in January about your physical health, and if yes, did you keep them? Whether or not you've kept any resolutions, now is a great time to take stock of your physical condition. What is it, and what do you want it to be? What are you honestly willing to do to maintain good physical health?
• 5. Relationships: Expect to hear a lot more from me in this arena in the coming year. What are your relationships with your partner, your children, your parents, and your friends like? Are they nurturing? What are some simple ways you can improve them? When was the last time you said "I love you" to the important people in your life?
• 6. Personal growth: What have you done in the past year to enrich your personal life? Is there a workshop you want to attend, or an uplifting book you've been meaning to read? Do you set aside time daily or weekly to meditate?
• 7. Community: How are you giving back to your community? How are you supported by your community? By community, I mean not only your physical location, but the members of online communities as well. I've recently joined Facebook and Twitter, and I'd encourage you to invite me to be your friend there.

Enjoy this time of reflection, honoring the cycles of nature by turning within.  Wishing you all a blessed holiday season!

I've been philosophizing with myself about Tantra for the past few weeks, and would love to get a conversation going with others besides the voices in my own head. :-)  I've been studying Tantric Philosophy for the past year as I've deepened my yoga practice and begun Anusara Yoga teacher training.  I think some of my friends out here are tantrikas, so I'd love to hear from you!

For several years, I've resonated with the word BOTH when I think about my mission in life.  I first understood it to mean being BOTH connected to Source AND fully living on earth, and I've been delving deeper into that concept each year.  Then this past year, I had the great fortune to sit for two days at the feet of Paul Muller-Ortega absorbing his brilliance on Tantric philosophy, and I realized I was Home.  I had finally found the words and the container, so to speak, for what I've always felt in my soul. 

I've always rebelled at the idea that to find God, one has to withdraw from society, renounce all worldly pleasures, turn within and block out the world.  Why on earth would we have agreed to come to earth only to renounce all the juiciness of being on earth?  We can be out of body and in Spirit any old time; being incarnated and playing in the school of Life on Earth is truly a special treat.  Shouldn't we make the most of it?  HOW can we make the most of it?

Tantric philosophy suggests that Everything is God (Shiva).  There is nothing in the cosmos that is not God; everything that IS, is God.  Shiva takes Himself and slows down His vibration enough to take form, and He takes a myriad of forms so that He can observe Himself from a myriad of angles and know Himself better.  As He slows down his vibration and takes form, these forms (some of which are human) become cloaked in Maya (illusion), so that we forget that we are God.  And the whole cosmic purpose of this game is to see how cloaked we can become and still Remember who we really are.  It becomes a dance of forgetting and remembering, and absolutely everything we do can become a tool for enlightenment, for remembering.  Everything is sacred, or can be.  In my first blog post, I mentioned going to the store and looking into people's eyes.  It's a Tantric game called "Do You Remember?"  Ok, I just made that up. :-)  But that's really what it is--looking into another's eyes to find the God within.  You can't play the game when you don't remember yourself in that moment.

Who wants to play this great cosmic game with me now?
Love to all,
Johanna

I just sent out my monthly newsletter--that group consciousness thing happened again and all my clients and friends were talking about Thanksgiving and how to avoid the usual drama with family members.  Here's what I wrote, in case you're interested.  I'd really LOVE to hear other suggestions for staying in balance!
 

     With the Thanksgiving holiday upon us here in the U.S., I thought I would address how to maintain balance and abundance while interacting with people who may not see the world the way we do.

     What strikes me as I talk to people about their holiday plans is the presence or absence of joy depending on the people who will be gathering.  Are we going to be with our "tribe", or will we be gathering with people out of duty and obligation?  The holidays are classic times when the internal chatter from the bleachers of the shoulda, woulda, couldas reaches maximum volume.  Do we respond out of duty and obligation, or do we respond from the wellspring of our hearts with what brings us joy?  If we really cannot avoid people who trigger us during the holidays, what can we do to set our boundaries firmly so that we do not feel neglected, abused or taken advantage of? 

          Here are my top ten tips for surviving and thriving during the holidays with grace and ease:

1. Just say NO:  Prioritize the business and social events you have on your calendar, making sure you leave time to recharge and refresh yourself.  Life is not a popularity contest, and you might be surprised by how good it feels to say No Thanks to an invitation.
2. Plan ahead for how long you will stay at each event.  When we have boundaries set ahead of time, it is easier to hang in there when tensions run high.     
3. Give yourself a timeout.  If you find yourself in a heated discussion, or otherwise being triggered by someone, give yourself permission to excuse yourself.  You can say, "I'm not able to express myself in the way I'd like, so I'm going to excuse myself now."
4. Be gentle with yourself.  Don't expect perfection when you're in a family dynamic.  These dynamics have likely been in place for decades, if not centuries!  You don't have to fix them right now. 
5. Remember that you are not responsible for the behaviors and actions of other people.  You are only responsible for what you say and do, and how or whether you choose to react to what others say and do. 
6. Be impeccable with your word.  One of the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, this simple vow will take you far.  To be impeccable with your word, it is important to breathe and think before you speak.  Ask yourself, "do I really mean this now, and am I willing to follow through with what I am about to say?  Is it necessary, and can I say it kindly?"
7. HYDRATE.  The air is much drier in the winter, and we generally eat more sugar (kudos if that is not true for you!).  Becoming dehydrated is step one toward getting sick, so hydrate to stay healthy and to keep from getting irritable.
8. Choose your sugar wisely.  Choose quality over quantity, and ask yourself before you indulge if you really want that piece of pie/cake/cookie.  Decide in advance how much of it you want to eat, and stick to it.  An overabundance of sugar, which turns to yeast in the body, is step two toward getting sick, so choose wisely.
9. Simplify.  Cut down on the number of gifts you give by asking family and friends to engage in a holiday grab instead of buying for everyone.  For families with children, consider buying one gift the children can share.  And consider recycling items you own that are in great condition and you never use; for someone else they might be the perfect gift.
10. Give back.  Spend some time this holiday season serving food at a soup kitchen, collecting toys for disadvantaged children, or visiting the elderly in nursing homes.  These are just three suggestions for giving that will help you tap into gratitude at warp speed.  And gratitude is the magic elixir, the balm that soothes a weary soul, during the holidays and all year round.  It helps us plug back into joy and abundance, no matter how hectic the world around us appears.

Wishing you all a joyous and peace-filled beginning to this holiday season.

I just finished reviewing the cover design for my new book--I am BEYOND excited!!!!  I had a busy day today, errands in the morning, hosting first a bunch of friends for lunch (homemade chicken soup-yum), then my free monthly call on Attracting Abundance, and finally my group of amazing women whom I'm coaching on Attracting Abundance.

Life is amazing --one of many reasons-- because we are all so intricately connected.  The theme of the first call today was picked up on the second call with no prompting from me.  I find this a lot with my coaching clients, they all work on the same theme at the same time.  Is it that my attention was on the theme in the first call and the second client picked up on it subconsciously?  Or is it that the theme is running through the fabric of all our lives, and it's time for this particular thread to unravel?  Or is it something else? 

Off to work on my newsletter, and wondering why I wrote about gratitude LAST month instead of this month!!  Maybe I'll write about dysfunctional families this month.... hmmm :-)

Well, can I admit that I'm a blog virgin?  I find myself with all these random thoughts lately and someone suggested I dump them into a random blog.  So, please let me know how I'm doing--what do you want to hear about--any and all comments are appreciated!

Today I'm in awe of the incredible creativity of Spirit.  I mean really, how awesome is this Ultimate Consciousness to create such an incredible diversity of faces for him/herself?  I did an experiment at the grocery store to see this Consciousness in the people I met.  Sadly, in this small town grocery store, only one person (besides the children) had a real spark of awareness.  The others all reflected varying degrees of pain and sadness, or resignation.  And yet, Spirit lives in each and every one of them, no matter how deeply hidden it is.

That's all for now, what do YOU think?
Love, Johanna